Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
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Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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