worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
