I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
