Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
