She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
