"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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