final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Let's get the cat blown out
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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