saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
