he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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