would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
