Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Randomize
