just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
