doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
