I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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