how can u be prego again
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
