I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
