I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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