Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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