I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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