Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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