i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
