You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
