And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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