Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I forgot wine drunk hurts
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
