People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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