I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
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