I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
