the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
