three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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