I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
