Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
