I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
