so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
