It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
