I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
