K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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