I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
