Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
