What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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