GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My ass is underappreciated
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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