I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
