I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
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He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
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I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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