Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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