Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
