The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
In other news, I just burned my penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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