just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
