By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
