My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
