I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
