"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
