I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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