remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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