so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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