I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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