Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You were trust falling into bushes
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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