Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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