I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
