I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
