I faked an abortion last night.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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