I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
