did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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