I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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